Linda Hutsell-ManningNovels Plays Poems Stories |
DOORBELL RINGS
FRANCINE
Sam Saller. (calls) The door's open.
SAM
(enters carrying a pile of library books on one arm, a bulging briefcase in the other hand. He[she] is careful not to look at the piano/keyboard)
SAM
I know it, I'm late again, the story of my life...
FRANCINE
You're not too late, Sam.
SAM
It's a plot, I know it's a plot. I had to wait in line at the library nearly ten minutes. I hit all the red lights and...(drops briefcase, slams books onto telephone table, knocks phone underneath) The phone. Clumsy me. (dives under table) Don't worry, I'll get it.
FRANCINE
A new set of library books this week, Sam?
SAM
(under table) Phobias, natural health and lucid dreams.
FRANCINE
Good combination.
SAM
(backing out with phone) Oh it's the best one for me. The only one, really, under the circumstances. It’s caught on the cord. (pulls) It's all right, I've got it. (bangs head, drops phone, glasses off) My glasses, I can’t see without my glasses.
FRANCINE
(pulls SAM out from under) Leave the phone, Sam. I'll get your glasses.(drops down on knees to get glasses)
SAM
(stands immobilized) You have no idea how difficult my life is. Every time I...
FRANCINE
Don't worry about it. (gets up, puts glasses in SAM'S hand) Give me your music and we'll get started.
SAM
(puts on glasses, is facing piano/keyboard, does an abrupt about turn right against FRANCINE. He [she] is frozen there) Oh yes my music... I know I have that. I would never forget my music.
FRANCINE
(backs away) Good, then we can start your lesson.(moves around him [her] to piano/keyboard, sits) You're very tense today, Sam, we should start with breathing.
SAM
My music, I think it's in my coat.
FRANCINE
Breathing first, music will follow. Put your hands on your diaphragm and take a deep breath in... (does so)
SAM
(looks around room avoiding piano/keyboard) My coat. I don't see my coat.
FRANCINE
(stops breathing exercise) Your coat I take it, has something to do with finding your music.
SAM
I’ll stay calm. No hysteria. It's simply a matter of Thought Category Retrieval.
FRANCINE
Thought category what?
SAM
Retrieval. To find my coat, I will use Thought Category Retrieval. That's where you package your actions into short accessible segments and then retrace your steps back to the source of the problem. (holds up book) Manfred's Theory of Easy Mind Control.
FRANCINE
It would be useful to have your music, Sam.
SAM
(faces away from piano/keyboard)I left the house at 10:02:25 and arrived at the library at 10:13:47.
FRANCINE
Don't tell me you're into running too.
SAM
Running? (disbelief, picks up one of his[her] books) Running's very bad for you Ms. Lasalle, didn't you know that? I read an article in "Live Longer - Get Natural"...
FRANCINE
I think we should get at your lesson, Sam.
SAM
I know I had the music when I went into the library. It was in the inside pocket of my raincoat...
FRANCINE
I don’t think you were wearing a raincoat when you came in.
SAM
(panics) Are you sure? I must have been. I...
FRANCINE
Sam, we're wasting valuable time here. We'll use my music.
SAM
Sam Saller's Revised Progressive Jazz version of your song... lost forever.
FRANCINE
Another new jazz version?
SAM
(starts to sing his version, wails notes) I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, oh God I'm not ever, not ever, not in this life, gonna understand, be able to get over....
FRANCINE
Sam? A scale first. We'll start with C. (sounds note)
SAM
There wouldn't be time for me to go back to the library first?
FRANCINE
(getting exasperated) If it's absolutely necessary, phone the library.
SAM
Good idea. (tries phone then dives under table) The cord seems to be disconnected.
FRANCINE
Look Sam, we've already wasted ten minutes of your lesson. I'm sure no one in Kraymer's Corners is going to steal your raincoat from the library. (sounds note again)
SAM
(crawls slowly out from table, stands back to piano) The raincoat is nothing, a mere material acquisition but the music... the music...
FRANCINE
Maybe we should cancel the lesson. Book it for another day.
SAM
(back still to piano) Oh no, it's absolutely crucial that I have a lesson today.
FRANCINE
Then wouldn't it be more logical to stand over here, close to the piano?
SAM
I can't.
FRANCINE
What do you mean you can't.
SAM
I can't look at the piano.
FRANCINE
Sam...
SAM
I know it sounds dumb, infantile, insane but there it is and I have to deal with it. I've got this problem.
FRANCINE
I see...
SAM
It all has to do with the dream I had last night.
FRANCINE
Sam, I'm generally very patient but ...
SAM
I knew you'd understand. You're the most wonderful, understanding person in the whole world. (bitterly) If my life had been different... if my mother hadn't run off with an electric heater salesman when I was three... if I'd had a teacher like you in high school...I might of been there at Julliard today... Sam Saller, Jazz Sensation of the Century.
FRANCINE
Sam, we've got to get on with your lesson.
SAM
I know, I'm probably your most difficult student and I try, I really do. But all my life I've had these blocks, these phobias and this week it's.. it's...
FRANCINE
This week it's... (gestures and nods, trying to get him [her] to go on)
SAM
Piano phobia.
FRANCINE
Piano phobia?
SAM
I went to the library first thing this morning but I couldn't find anything really specific on the topic.
FRANCINE
I'm not surprised.
SAM
If I don't deal with this phobia my whole life... may be over.
FRANCINE
Sam I’m sure you... you can stand up to this. Sometime’s life is tough.
SAM
That's the whole point. Right now I'm at one of those turning points and it's crucial, paramount. I have to deal with it.
FRANCINE
This is becoming painful.
SAM
You're so understanding.
FRANCINE
Do I have a choice?
SAM
All my life it's been one phobia after the other and then last night...
FRANCINE
Are you sure you wouldn't rather go home?
SAM
Oh no, oh no. That would be entirely wrong. I'm not sure I can tell you this. It's so personal. I'm so embarrassed, especially with someone like you. I...
FRANCINE
Spit it out, Sam.
SAM
Because of what happened last night I'm...I'm in a state of "phobia transference".
FRANCINE
Okay...
SAM
For the past three months it's been door knobs.
FRANCINE
Doorknobs?
SAM
I discovered I had developed a phobia to doorknobs but after I started wearing gloves, I thought I had it under control. Dr. Friendly's Six Steps for Self Hypnosis. Before last night, it was all working so well.(almost breaks down)
FRANCINE
Sam, it's all right, you can tell me.
SAM
Last night I had this dream.
FRANCINE
On second thought, I'm not sure I can cope with this.
SAM
But you have to. I have no one else in the whole world to talk to. You're the only one who understands.
FRANCINE
Logical role for a singing teacher.
SAM
In my dream I was working at the Co-op, back in the fertilizer section. It was all dark and I started singing the sixth revision of my jazz version of your song. I was the head liner. My own backup... Licorice stick, horn and this amazing piano. There I was, Sam Saller , it was incredible! Every bridge another improv. Louder and louder, especially the piano... (almost breaks down) Louder and louder! The piano started to drown me out. I climbed up on the fertilizer bags and shouted but it wouldn't listen. It began inching closer and closer and even though no one was playing it, the keys were hammering. All my chords, ruined, distorted, louder and closer and... (starts to choke)
FRANCINE
Have you ever thought of professional help?
SAM
(oblivious, walks as if sleepwalking directly toward piano) I couldn't move. I knew I couldn't move and the piano kept getting closer and closer and...
FRANCINE
Sam look out!
SAM
(crashes into piano, loses glasses) It's happening again. I'm doomed, I'm doomed. (flails)
FRANCINE
(retrieves him [her], pulls him [her] back to couch) Stay right here. (gets glasses) This is ridiculous. I can't teach you a lesson when you're in a state like this.
SAM
I'm a failure. My whole life is a failure.
FRANCINE
(moves him [her] around, sits beside him [her] on couch) Why don't you stay here while I make you a cup of coffee.
SAM
Oh I never drink coffee. It's so bad for you. All that caffeine...
FRANCINE
Tea?
SAM
Herbal. I only drink herbal.
FRANCINE
I don't have any.
SAM (leaps over back of couch for briefcase) I have some. I carry it everywhere I go. (rummages) Here's one. (hands it to FRANCINE)
FRANCINE
Placidly Peach...
SAM
Maybe I'd have time to check at the library...
FRANCINE
(moves him [her] around, sits him [her] on the couch again) You stay right here. All these dreams and phobias... Even I'm becoming confused (goes to kitchenette)
SAM
I confuse everyone, including myself. It's always been like this. I never do anything right. I...
DOORBELL RINGS
FRANCINE
Damn. Not again.
SAM
(leapfrogs over couch to door) I'll get it. I'll get it. (opens door) Come in, come in, you're just in time for herbal tea.
HILLARY
(barges in) Yeh, well I've got this important message for Ms. Lasalle.
FRANCINE
(calls) Is that you Hillary? Did you forget something?
HILLARY
(shouts) You're wanted on the phone... downstairs.
FRANCINE
( enters from kitchenette) Who would be calling me on the phone downstairs?
HILLARY
Search me. Rock wanted cigs and we stopped in downstairs and Carl, the guy that runs the place says, “You take singing from that chick upstairs? Some nut wants her on the phone.”
HILLARY SEEMS TO RECOGNIZE SAM. THEY EYE EACH OTHER AND HILLARY GIVES HIM [HER] THE FINGER.
SAM
(leaps back over the couch) I'll make the tea.
FRANCINE
( marches to door) We're really in the middle of a lesson here so... you show me where the phone is downstairs, Hillary and...
HILLARY
(stares at SAM) Yeh, well I'll be there in a minute. I think I left my lipstick in the bathroom.
FRANCINE
I'll be right back, Sam. I'm really sorry about this. (fast exit)
HILLARY
The intellectual of Kraymer's High is into music?
SAM
Progressive jazz.
HILLARY
You sing progressive jazz.
SAM
My own arrangements mostly. I'm saving for Julliard.
HILLARY
Never heard of it.
SAM
It's only the best music school in North America.
HILLARY
You still at the Co-op?
SAM
For the time being.
HILLARY
In a couple of weeks, soon as I win the singing competition, I'm outa The Blue Heron.
SAM
Singing competition?
HILLARY
CFQJ's "Small Town Big Talent Contest". Don't you listen to CFQJ?
SAM
You take lessons here too?
HILLARY
Oh yeh, and I'm like "that" (crosses fingers) with the "teach", just like you used to be back in highschool.
SAM
You remember me from highschool?
HILLARY
You were away ahead of me but everyone knew Sam Egghead Saller. I thought you'd have gone on to university or something like that.
SAM
Actually, I'm working on a jazz arrangement of one of Ms. La Salle's songs.
HILLARY
Yeh, well she wrote a song especially for me.
FRANCINE
(enters, upset) I didn't think you'd still be here Hillary.
HILLARY
Hey, I can take a hint. Wail your heart out there, Sammy. (exits)
FRANCINE
You two know each other.
SAM
He [She] remembers me from highschool.
FRANCINE
(looks at watch) Only ten minutes left, Sam. We should be able to do a few scales and go over your song once.
SAM
What's this about a talent contest?
FRANCINE
You want to enter too, I suppose.
SAM
(leaps over couch again) I know what I'm trying to do is probably beyond most of them, the judges I mean of that (sniff) little contest but I think I should try, that is if you think I'm good enough.
FRANCINE
(goes to piano) Did you catch the date of the competition?
SAM
A couple of weeks. That’s what snippy Miss Hillary said.
FRANCINE
I didn’t think you two hit it off. A couple of weeks? As in two weeks?
SAM
I don’t know, MS. Lasalle, honest. I’m quoting dubious second hand information.
FRANCINE
Two weeks. How will I ever get all of you ready in two weeks?
SAM
I beg your pardon. As far as I know, I’m the only one here. (Looks around, worried) Unless, of course, you can verify otherwise.
FRANCINE
Sorry, Sam. Sorry. Just thinking out loud, in general terms, so to speak. The most important thing, right now, is to start some scales.
SAM
Of course it's very likely you don't think I'm good enough to go into the competition. It's probably quite insane of me to suggest that I am.
FRANCINE
(sits) What you're doing is unusual, Sam, to say the least.
SAM
The story of my life. Always the odd ball, the misfit, a broken ship adrift in the storm of life.
FRANCINE
How poetic.
SAM
I knew you'd appreciate it. I write poetry too. I'll bring some in next time.
FRANCINE
I think we should concentrate on some scales.
SAM
Sam Saller, jazz sensation of the century...
FRANCINE
(sounds a note) A scale Sam, you can do it from over there.
SAM
(freezes) I'll imagine its a clavichord.
FRANCINE
(sounds note) Or a harp.
SAM (sings his [her] own jazz version of the scale)
FRANCINE
How about doing one straight.
SAM
I'll need some extra lessons. Today hasn't exactly been productive for me.
FRANCINE
Well, join the club. Every lesson today, nothing but interruptions.
SAM
I was going to ask you about the phone call.
FRANCINE
The phone call is very personal, Sam. I don't wish to discuss it.
SAM
I'm sorry, I'm always butting in where I don't belong. It's because I have this great need to...
FRANCINE
Sam, it would be good to get through the song, at least once.
SAM
(leaps back over couch) I think I'll try it from behind the screen.
FRANCINE
At this point Sam, anything, to get on with it.
SAM
(dives behind screen) Chords, all I need are basic chords.
FRANCINE
I'll give you an intro. (plays intro, waits. Repeats at least twice more) Sam?
SAM
(waves) I just remembered the tea.
FRANCINE
Five minutes, Sam, I can give you five more minutes. (intro again)
SAM
(sings) I'm, I'm, I'm, oh God I'm not ever, not ever, not in this life, this l...ife, through, through, THROUGH with you...ou...ou...
DOORBELL RINGS
FRANCINE
(slams piano keys) That's it. Lesson over. Day over and possibly... Teaching career over.
DOORBELL RINGS
FRANCINE
(strides to door) This better be important because if it's not... (opens door) Yes?
DELIVERY MAN
(nazal) A lettergram Mam, from Gilcrest Courier Service. It comes to $13.77. Sign here please.
FRANCINE
$13.77? Who on earth is sending me a lettergram that costs $13.77?
DELIVERY MAN
(reads) Fairfax Talent ...
FRANCINE
...Agency. From A. Jerk Fairfax. I don't want it.
DELIVERY MAN
$7.50 for the message, $5.00 for delivery and $1.27 for our boys in Ottawa. (smiles broadly)
FRANCINE
Out of the question.
DELIVERY MAN
I can't do anything about the tax, Mam. If you want to complain, take it up with your local MP.
FRANCINE
I'm not complaining, I'm refusing.
DELIVERY MAN
Refusal costs an extra $3.25. Sign here please.
FRANCINE
I'm not signing anything. And you can tell Mr. Allan Fairfax...
DELIVERY MAN
Return messages cost...
FRANCINE
I don't want the message, I am not sending an answer and I'm extremely busy.
DELIVERY MAN
(takes large stamp from pocket, stamps telegram) "Refused Delivery". Time... (looks at watch) Would you happen to have the time?
FRANCINE
You really want to know what time it is? (pause) It's... it's almost 12:30 and I'm away behind schedule.
DELIVERY MAN
Most people in these parts are friendly. You must be new.
FRANCINE
Good day. (slams door)
SAM
(appears from behind screen with tray and tea) I've made some tea for you, Ms. La Salle, Placid Peach. It's good for the nerves.
BLACKOUT